PUSHING SANTA
It is that time again - time to torture your child on Santa's lap and guarantee that one day they will turn to you (with photographic evidence) and say "This is the reason why I am so fucked up." What is the obsession with taking or rather making poor little children unwillingly sit on Santa's lap? I'm not a Christi

PORN AND PACIFIERS
I never thought I would hear these words come out of my mouth:"Get your nuk out of your vagina - now!!!!"*Humping baby has stepped it up a notch...

POTTY CONTRACT
The race to get pre-school applications completed for Fall '10 is on full throttle and as I frantically tour every "school" in the city of Boston and dutifully fill out the paperwork (right down to identifying marks on my child) and send off the hundreds of dollars worth of deposits - I can't help but wonder

COUGAR BARBIE
This is what you get when you have a baby at “advanced maternal age” – your tween daughter can accurately refer to you as a cougar mom. Aw, just think of the fond mother-daughter memories you will be making as you get ready to go out on your first double date together! *That is if you survive the catfight over whose tits are perkier….Cougar Barbie - 50th Anniversary - Watch more Funny Videos

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR...
After some douche hung my tits out to dry in a review - a treasured friend of mine told me this is how I should respond:"Dear Sir. After reading your review of my film I thought I would come to your office and kick you right in the cunt... but then I decided I didn't want to spoil the shine on my shoes. Good day."And that is how you successfully aid in pulling ones self up by the bootstraps - you make them laugh goddammit!