Don't even think about trying to sneak by me
I've tried to get around to as many species as possible on this blog, but it's really hard to keep up with all the smart-ass explorers that go into places like volcanos and obscure unexplored mountains and discover, like, seven thousand new species in a day. So to stem the tide, I've put together a post that covers a lot of the really dangerous new species that these Darwin-dick riders have shoved in our faces, just to get them out of the way and move onto the serious problem areas.

I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey
Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane

Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt
Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, the

I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened
This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in

Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?
Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or G