Suck It Up
The Senate is considering adding a 5 percent tax increase to all unnecessary cosmetic surgeries—nicknamed the Bo-Tax—in the health care bill, which has obviously enraged a number of women of a certain age, causing their frozen-like faces to crack down the center. Now they’ve gone too far. I may not be able to afford that [...]

Guess Who’s Crashing the Dinner
I trust you all had a good holiday with family and friends and that one drunk uncle who always ruins dinner with his loud inappropriate jokes. I’m happy to be back from Florida so I can detox without disappointing my father, who starts making cocktails at 4PM sharp and wants me to match him drink [...]

Family Planning
As you sit around the table with family and loved ones this Thanksgiving, it’s important to remember what we’re celebrating. We’re celebrating gluttony, one of the seven deadly sins, which appear on the RNC’s purity checklist. Every Thanksgiving I fast most of the day so I can feel entirely justified eating twice my body weight [...]

Pure as the Driven Ho
You know how to get more people to come to your party? Give them a purity test at the door! (Free alcohol and heavy apps is so 2008.) Yes, the Republican party has decided that instead of welcoming moderates, increasing diversity, and reaching out to independents, they’ll just get whiter, older, and more conservative. Some [...]

Facebook Hurts. But You Don’t Have To.
Lately I feel like I should preface every post with “No. Seriously. I’m not making this up. I’m not that good.” Take this headline (please). Depressed Woman Loses Benefits After Facebook Post in Which She Looked Happy Insurance company cuts benefits after woman posts fun pictures to Facebook page. Wait a minute. INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE WATCHING US ON [...]