Diary of a Purple-Haired Woman
It all started with DIY hair bleach and three bottles of Gentian Violet. (Note to all potential users: That shit does not play around. If you're planning on using it, find an industrial strength pair of plastic gloves and an open field. I spent three hours scrubbing the bathroom. Trust me on this one.)

You're Not Just Paying for Lip Service
First of all, let me set the record straight here. I don't give two shits about Britney Spears or any of the various people she has living in her fucking demented brain. I absolutely DO have my opinions about her singing talent, career turns, beaver shots, and family issues, but I don't think she deserves the time it would take me to write about them. Here's what I do care about though when it comes to Britney Spears or any of the other show pony artists that are for some reason ridiculously idolized: the fact that common sense seemingly leaves normal people's bodies the same way that freaky ass evil stuff, in The Green Mile, leaves John Coffey. In Pert

Cool People to Drink With, By Profession
I've been in the bartending business for about ten years. People ask me who the coolest people are, where the big tippers come from, and if I can tell if somebody is fun or not. The reality is, all people are different, even within their little groups. But the ultra-reality is that some people are fun and some aren't. Worst of all, some people think they're fun. After this tutorial though, if you're faced with the decision of hanging with either firemen, strippers, or Ultimate Fighters—you'll know who to choose. So here goes, the uncool and cool folks to drink with in the bars, clubs, or pubs...

Fake Charity Begins at Home
The holidays always get me a bit depressed. In a time of excess, money, greed, and alcoholic Santas, I'm always reminded of those less fortunate (and no, I'm not talking about people who go to state colleges—losers).

What's in the Box?
Dear Diary, A human hand is in the box. Santa wants to keep this under wraps.  He doesn't need people questioning him where he got it.  Cindy promises she won't tell anyone.  She has been asking for a human hand for a long time! She's super excited! She's never eaten a hand before... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .