Boobular
A few years ago, I went to Las Vegas with my ex one month after breaking up. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but it’s not like I would’ve even considered it if we hadn’t still been living together and sharing the same bed. Come on, guys. I’m not an idiot. Seriously though, we (I) had already paid for the trip before deciding to make the whole loveless no sex thing official and no amount of “I just don’t have feelings for you anymore…now please stop touching me.” was going to keep me away from those buffets. There were also plenty of opportunities to get plastered and since I had it on good authority that my life was fal

Aubrey and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcunt
Can we talk about my pubic hair for a minute? If I had my druthers, I would grow a bush so big it would become a threat to national security. But as it turns out, that kind of plumage really cuts down on the toe curling when I’m grinding face. So I choose to keep it trimmed, and for special occasions like when I’m trying to fuck with Al Gore and use as much hot water as possible, I’ll shave it off completely. Luckily, my hair is trimmed now, which means that when I found a way to dye it, I could. I’m not sure how I came across the Betty Beauty products, but since my days are

Time Traveling
I went to the post office today. Do you know all the hoops they make you jump through before renting a PO Box? I’ve felt more at ease during a pap smear. But whatever. I choked down my discomfort and approached the woman with a sassy I’m-not-50-yet haircut so I could receive mail as Vagina Drum. She immediately noticed that I, like a dumb ass, authorized my own proof of residency on the form and flatly told me, “That’s not your job.” Yeah OK I know that now, but it wasn’t her job to make me feel like Corky that time he got behind t

Sup Molly Lewis?
Remember when Lisa Nowak, NASA astronaut in possession of the kind of insanity you can wear as a hat, drove from Texas to Florida to pull off a Jack Bauer-esque smack-down on Colleen Shipman for putting her bacon sandwich where it didn’t belong? I didn’t really either, until I heard Molly Lewis sing about it. Aside from being someone I’m really hoping is a lesbian so we can meet up for a..tête-à-tête, Molly Lewis is also

Think of this as a sexual favor
I bought a cupcake shake last night from Burger King. I didn’t get a picture of it because there isn’t a camera in existence that would’ve been able to capture it in the time before it was devoured. The cupcake shake mimics the taste of cake batter, but the best part is that you don’t have to worry about getting salmonella or diarrhea from the raw eggs (well…it’s Burger King so you probably still do BUT it’s totally worth it). There’s a dollop of whipped cream with sprinkles on top and what I think is ACTUAL CAKE at the bottom. Oh and it comes with what they call a ‘BK Pipe’ (straw) which is about the size of a hot dog.